Cat Rain, Dingxiang Doctor, 2023-05-23 12:03 Posted on Beijing
Li Wei, a 22-year-old transgender woman, was assigned male at birth but identifies as female.
When she was 16 years old, she came out to her mother, Lin Fang.
At first, Lin Fang was very afraid and believed that her child was abnormal and "possessed by evil spirits." She sought help from various religious practices. In the midst of their intense conflict, Li Wei developed severe depression and attempted suicide multiple times.
It was a struggle for both of them. After emerging from the dark tunnel, Lin Fang gradually changed her perspective and decided to support her "son" in becoming her "daughter."
According to Li Wei, many transgender youth have completely broken relationships with their parents. While many parents still love their children, "the space for understanding and acceptance disappears later on."
She was fortunate. With the support of Lin Fang, Li Wei went to study in Japan. During last year's Spring Festival, relatives from Shandong praised her excellent exam results, which they used to despise.
Becoming an outstanding student may be the only way for Li Wei to be accepted by mainstream society. However, for Lin Fang, the most important thing is for her child to be true to herself and walk freely on the streets.
The following is Lin Fang's account:
I was also very afraid.
When she was still in kindergarten, she was watching an animated series called "Rainbow Cat Blue Rabbit" and suddenly said, "Mom, I am the blue rabbit." The blue rabbit is a little girl. I corrected her and said, "No, you are a boy."
She officially came out when she was 16 years old. One day, I was working in the kitchen when she said, "Mom, do you know? I feel like a girl inside. It's just that my body is a boy. Mom, I'm in pain."
I was shocked when I heard this. I told her that it was impossible for her to be a girl. During that time, she recommended some foreign documentaries to me, but I couldn't really understand it.
By that time, her male characteristics were already very prominent. She was 1.8 meters tall, 180 pounds, with a large frame and a masculine face. She even secretly shaved off her facial hair. Her shoes used to stink every day, but she became very clean.
Later, she started taking hormone medication and expressed her desire to undergo gender reassignment surgery in the future. I was very afraid when I heard this, so I immediately went to Shanghai to find a well-known doctor in the field of transgenderism. The doctor said, "You have to bring your child here." After saying that, the doctor kicked me out. I was angry at the time, but later I found out that the doctor had been beaten by parents.
Another doctor believed that it was my marriage that caused all of this. Because I was too dominant at home, it made my child want to become a woman. I suddenly felt a heavy sense of guilt. I have a university degree, and my husband is a worker. He always felt that I looked down on him. After we got married, we argued every day. The doctor said, "You should stay married for the sake of your child." I said yes. He said it would be better for your child if you got divorced.
After learning about this, relatives at home blamed me for spoiling my child and causing this problem.
Later, I joined a LGBTQ+ community in Beijing, and I saw a common accusation - that it was the mothers who raised these children to be neither male nor female.
At first, my husband couldn't accept our child's situation at all. He hit our child and strongly opposed her not going to school. He said he would rather our child die than accept this. I asked myself, can I accept it? I couldn't.
I even slapped my daughter several times. I feel regretful when I think about it now. Both my daughter and I were in so much pain that sometimes we would argue and fight, and end up lying motionless on the ground.
My daughter used to be a good student and planned to attend Fudan University. After this happened, she stopped paying attention in class, slept during lessons, and stopped talking to others. You should know that she used to be outgoing and even participated in debate competitions.
The teachers looked down on her and called her crazy. One teacher even prevented other students from interacting with her. The school even assigned her to a male dormitory. She complained every day, saying it was very uncomfortable. The boys in the dormitory would tell dirty jokes all the time, which annoyed her. She felt very embarrassed and disgusted. She couldn't live with them.
In her senior year, she didn't go to school for a single day. The excellent, confident, and outgoing child was gone.
In reality, as a mother, I felt scared every day. The image of a man turning into a woman, you never know what kind of person is around you, and it's scary. But this fear usually doesn't last more than ten minutes. She is my child, even if she becomes a devil, I won't leave her.
Later, my daughter told me that we didn't support her, and she felt discouraged. She knew very well that what her parents were most worried about was that she wouldn't be able to survive in society in the future.
Now looking back, she has worked hard and has been trying to convince us through education: this won't make her life particularly miserable.
Image source: Still from the movie "The Danish Girl"
It's embarrassing to have a child like this.
For a long time, my child was very lonely. People saw her as neither male nor female, like a monster. Someone who looked like a boy with messy long hair and not good at dressing like a girl. She felt that she didn't belong to either gender. Even her former friends stopped interacting with her.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and various relatives all despised her. They said that her suicide attempts were just a show, a threat. My sister even refused to let her stay with her.
I was also one of her enemies. One time during Chinese New Year, my mother and I organized a family gathering and criticized her together.
Sometimes, I also thought that having a child like this was embarrassing.
I was really confused and couldn't understand this. I asked her, didn't you have a crush on a girl in middle school? She said she liked that girl because she wanted to become her, not because she wanted to date or kiss her.
The conflict became more and more severe. We fought and blamed each other like crazy. I told her she was selfish and apologized to us, saying that she was the cause of my illnesses.
To prevent her from taking hormone medication, we controlled her financially. She sold her books, guzheng, and other belongings. I put all the money on her meal card, and she exchanged it for cash with her classmates. She bought glucose online and lost 40 pounds in two months.
She starved herself while studying hard, trying to prove to us that she could do it. There was something that constantly undermined her confidence. She wanted to become a woman but felt that her physical condition was too poor. For example, she wanted to learn how to use a falsetto voice, but it was always difficult for her.
Image source: Still from the movie "The Danish Girl"
At that time, I couldn't see her pain because we, as parents, were also in the dark. Some parents would send their children to conversion therapy centers for treatment, including electric shocks. I also considered it, but I couldn't bear to do it.
Some parents would take their children to underground clinics for surgery, cutting off the breasts that had developed due to hormone use. This is irreversible harm to the child's physical and mental well-being.
In the LGBTQ+ parent group, I saw many parents struggling with depression. Many of them have not realized that, first and foremost, their children are already in pain, and we should acknowledge their pain. We brought these lives with gender incongruence into this world, and we should take responsibility. The parents who drive their children out of their homes are the most unfit.
I believe that people should learn to be tolerant. Only through tolerance can we see that the world is full of gray areas and approach many things with a more open mindset. Generally, mothers are more likely to change than fathers. Mothers are more sensitive, while fathers are more easily influenced by external judgments.
Afterwards, I realized that I didn't care about my reputation anymore; I cared about my child.
Most of the people around me have accepted my daughter. My best friend is my supervisor at work, and she also accepts her. She even gives her gifts.
I playfully tease my daughter. I say, "When you were in heaven, did you think that Mom was good, so you chose me to go through the pain with you?" I am happy to have her as my daughter. It is only through experiencing a lot of pain that one will think about the meaning of fate.
We have two cats that we adopted. They were stray cats born in the basement of our house. Considering that my daughter will not have the ability to reproduce in the future, I said that these are her two daughters. One of the cats is just like my daughter, sometimes lazy, sometimes aloof, sometimes temperamental. My daughter believes that the best cat in the world is our cat.
Whenever my daughter says she misses the cat, I know that she wants to video chat with me.
My daughter is not as good as the children at the University of Tokyo. But what I compare is her progress compared to yesterday, living as herself, and respecting life more.
After going to Tokyo, she tells me everything, including her love life. I tell her that we must love ourselves first. She says that in this lifetime, she just wants to be an ordinary person. That's what I hope for too.